Embracing oneself

Peak's Island, Maine - Summer 2008

I Like a Challenge

We were told as kids that we could be whatever we wanted. It’s true; the Obama administration hasn’t (yet) told me what I should do for a living. However, the other thing we were told was that if we were smart and went to college, someone would hand us money when we graduated.

This, for my generation, is not so. I have a business degree from a good school… where’s my money? My fancy job, a secretary perhaps? The truth is, educated or not, people in my generation have to be creative, and make their own moves. (No, not you, pyramid scammers.) That is my challenge, and after much thought, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The Mirror in Space (Bonus points for those of you who got the reference.)

Rewind to the summer of 2008. In a time of extreme confusion about where my career was going, and having just euthanized a startup business gone sour, I headed to Maine, where my brother was living at the time. While I was there seeking his advice about what to do with myself, I received a phonecall from one of my dad’s friends. Though I can’t remember what the exact issue is, I still remember the scene well. He had a computer question of some sort and I diagnosed and explained the reasons behind the issue. We set up an appointment for me to check it out when I got back.

After I got off the call, I went right back to worrying about myself. In response, my brother noted the ease with which I walked my caller through some troubleshooting steps and made the recommendations.

“Why don’t you embrace who you are? You were really good just then. It’s easy for you, but to most people this stuff is really intimidating. They need you.” I half-listened and half-agreed. I flew home, went back to work at my normal, stable day job, selling computer parts on eBay. Then suddenly, two years passed.

Right Under My Nose

By this point I was making one appointment per week to fix somebody’s computer. People called me all the time because I was just “their computer guy.” What was once an aggravation was now a slightly annoying but welcome addition to my income. As time went on, I absorbed the tools and skills to turn even the most difficult close-call stumpers to simple fixes. I had a briefcase, a travel/test laptop, a portfolio of legal OEM reinstall discs, tons of advanced diagnostic software such as Memtest 86+ (takes all the guessing out of RAM issues), and the knowledge of what’s good and what to avoid.

At that point the weekly recipe became, Hey Marc my computer is slow/Okay no problem/Purge any spyware/Give some pointers/Add a dash of Ubuntu/Serve chilled/Your computer will now last you five more years/I get money.

One of my friends noticed the constant influx of calls and challenged me: “If you’re in this much demand, why don’t you make a serious business out of it?” Up until that point (and even at the time of this writing), none of my pie-in-the-sky business plans had taken off, and I realized it would behoove me to start out a bit smaller. I printed some business cards and started mailing them out to everybody I knew.

Here we are in the Spring of 2011 – I’m now the President of Teknosophy, LLC – The Computer Exorcists (SM). While I haven’t been able to quit my dayjob just yet, I’m getting closer every week, and have built up a pretty regular evening business.

Why am I different from any other jamoke fixing computers? Well, that’s where my education comes in. I’ve differentiated myself based on the observations of my clients – and here’s what they’ve said:

• I make things “just work” – I remove most of the constant security and update warnings that bombard users while they work.
• I can teach you new things, show you how to get the most from your equipment, in plain English.
• Most of the time I come by referral and have plenty of references. I’ve got over 10 years experience, as opposed to your neighbor’s cat’s aunt’s nephew who pirated MS Office for you.
• I cut to the chase – I’m not restricted by a corporate script and am not afraid to warn someone of a bad product.
• I enjoy chatting about things other than computers and try to make the business relationship about more than just maintaining your computer.
• I don’t smell funny.

In summary, I pride myself on being the layer of abstraction between you and your virusbox.

Short Term Promotions

The flight of business cards from my desk to my friends’ mailboxes continues. I also donated two gift certificates to a fundraiser for my alma mater, and am giving away a total of $2,011 this year to anyone who refers me new customers. Beyond that, I’ve contracted with Facebook for regionally-targeted Web advertising, and am planning on calling Groupon next.

At this point, I know people out there need me, it’s just a matter of time, effective advertising, and eventually expanding to other cities! Come to think of it, this article should form the basis of the Teknosophy business plan!

Future Plans

I’ve embraced my calling and would like to make Teknosophy my full-time job this year, but I know I can’t do just this forever. The good thing is, this business will give me the freedom to move onward and upward – starting the next TiVo, Google, or simply going back to school.

When I was a kid I thought about becoming a meteorologist, or a Spanish teacher, or a car restorer.  Later on, I added cigar monger and smoothie-maker to that list. I might end up being one of those one day, but not before I’ve given my calling a fair shake.

BILLAMILLION!

Hi folks. Sorry it’s been a while. Don’t worry; I now have a lot of topics scrawled on the whiteboard for future articles.

Today we’re going talk about Web 2.0. What is it? Well, here we go:

Web 1.0 was of course the first World Wide Web. This gained momentum in the early 1990s. A company, organization, or even sometimes an individual would create a Web site, and you would read it. More or less one-way communication. If you wanted to communicate with the owner of the site, you could click a little cheesy animated GIF icon at the bottom of the page that said “Email me! Yay!” and that was that. Occasionally you’d see a forum/message board, which people utilize to discuss topics in groups of “threads.”

Examples: http://www.dodge.com/, and the now-defunct Geocities (make your own cheesy personal website).

Then came Web 2.0.

Sometime in the late 2000s, some marketing bobblehead somewhere made up the term Web 2.0, in other words the second version of the World Wide Web. This second version was more interactive, more inclusive. No longer was it a collection of pages that people “hung up” like a Yellow Pages or a coffeehouse bulletin board. No, now it was all about participation. Now people contribute in droves to various Web sites.

Contributions can come in the form of discussions, photos, videos, etc.

Examples:

BlogSpot -Blogs (personal journals or commentary)

YouTube – Home/amateur videos

Flickr – Photos

That’s our lesson today. Without further ado, the real reason for this week’s article, my buddy Billy’s first YouTube video!!! (See his entire collection as it unfolds here.)

See y’all next time on Teknosophy.

What’s an Ubuntu?

I’ve never been able to cook.

The few times I tried, the fire department showed up. But back in high school, for some reason, I would sit down every weeknight religiously, open a bag of Doritos, and watch Emeril Lagasse. I never attempted to cook anything he made; I just thought the show was fun to watch. Likewise, I hope you enjoy my blog even if you could care less about computers and just enjoy the history lessons.

Let’s begin, shall we?

It’s funny how people are paralyzed by unfamiliar words.

So I boot up with Uuuuuubuuuuuu WHAT is it again?

You know that YouTube? thing? you put? on my computer?

What’s that thing on computer? Boonk-boonk?

It’s called UBUNTU. It can be pronounced “You boon two” or “Oo boon two” or even “Ah boon two.” But nobody’s going to know what you mean if you call it Boonk-boonk. (Yep, I’m pretty sure someone called it that.)

So what is it, exactly?

Ubuntu is a desktop Operating System (just like Microsoft’s Windows, Apple’s Mac OS, and -for those old enough to remember- IBM’S OS/2). Except, instead of being a commercial product, it’s a piece of software written by tens of thousands of volunteers around the world. These volunteers hated popups and spyware so much, they decided to create something better. Moreover, it’s a living, breathing thing that is improved daily (as opposed to Windows XP, which debuted in 2001, suffers from ridiculous amounts of recurring woes, and receives the occasional band-aid update that just makes it slower). I’ll discuss the history later.

Here’s a screenshot of my Ubuntu laptop with a background photo I took (click to enlarge):

Basically, Ubuntu looks and acts the same as Windows, but you generally don’t have problems. No viruses to speak of, no trojans, no hoax security programs, no baloney. It’s not perfect, of course, but very close to it.

It’s designed to look as familiar as possible, with a few exceptions. For example, the Start button you’re used to has been cut into three pieces:

• Applications: Games, Word Processing, Spreadsheets, media players, web browser, utilities, etc.
• Places: Your personal folders, such as My Documents, My Music, My Video.
• System: Everything you’d expect to find in Control Panel/System Preferences. Cut into two subcategories – Preferences to adjust your personal settings such as screensaver and wallpaper, and Administration to adjust things affecting your whole computer, such as printers and updates.

You can even add fun widgets to the taskbar, such as a weather forecaster (displays a radar map when you click on it!) or a stock ticker (I totally just discovered that one now).

You’ll never have to buy a piece of software at the store again: Ubuntu can’t technically run software made for Windows (it is possible if you try hard). Instead, all you do is click Ubuntu Software Center and bam! you can download Apps until you’re blue in the face. Anything you want, all free. No App Store DRM either.

In summary, it’s software that can either replace or accompany Windows (you can choose between the two each time you start the computer). It does anything an average Joe would want it to do (i.e. Firefox and OpenOffice) but for all intents and purposes you cannot get a virus – not because it’s obscure, but because it’s inherently safer. No need to pay the Norton “security circus.” So how did it come about?

Scandinavian Origins (Dramatized)

Back in 1991, Finnish college student Linus Torvalds called his parents. He expressed his dismay at having to wait in line to use the school’s mainframes, and asked them to send him a personal computer. A few days later, he unpacked his new computer and set to work. “This is bunk!” he exclaimed, “This whole DOS business is far inferior to the Unix software we use on the mainframes.” So he scratched his own itch and created HIS OWN operating system to replace the primitive DOS that the rest of the world lived with.

He decided to name it FreaX, because he thought it sounded cool. Luckily, the more logical name Linux (Linus + Unix) was suggested to him by a friend. This story would have faded into obscurity right here, if it weren’t for Linus’ decision to share his work with the world.

“Hey, here’s something interesting I whipped up,” he told all 10 inhabitants of the Internet at the time, “if you can utilize it, feel free to download a copy for yourself. I’ll even include the source code [underpinnings] so you can modify it and give it away. If you do that, just give credit where credit is due. By the way, any suggestions are appreciated.”

(The preceeding passage was translated from “Ancient Geek.” Original heiroglyphs here.)

I’ll spare you the technical details, but it exploded from there, and soon mothers’ basements all around the world were filled with this software.

The Linux Explosion

This actually spurred a movement, known as Open Source Software. Software is no longer confined to copyrighted products sold by businesses. Nowadays, anybody can make a piece of software and release it under a number of legal licenses such as Copyleft, Creative Commons, or the GPL. Such software is given away for no cost and can be freely modified to fit your own needs. If you redistribute a modified version of the software, give credit where credit is due.

The optimist in me takes delight in the story of Linus Torvalds. While giving out his software code, he did not expect anything in return, aside from an interesting suggestion or two. Contributing to OSS can pay off indirectly. (Think about it: What if you could claim on your resume that you contributed to Firefox or some other well-known software product?)

The Eventual Reward

In time, Linux became just as capable as Unix, which was the Operating System software conventionally used in servers. (Servers, née mainframes, are heavy-duty computers used by organizations to crunch numbers and keep track of huge amounts of information.) After decades of legal battles, businesses were leery of using Unix because the Boogeyman organization SCO tried suing anybody for even thinking the word Unix. (Not really, but you get the point.)

Linux is also at the heart of many of your favorite gadgets: Motorola Razr phones, Sony LCD TVs, and TomToms are among them.

Many tech-bubble startups modified and sold their own versions of Linux, such as Suse, VA, and Red Hat. As a thank you, Red Hat and VA gave Linus Torvalds a few “token” shares of stock. After their IPOs in the late 90s, those tokens became worth around $20 million USD.

I’m Smarter Than You

As a concept, Linux is simply fantastic. It signifies legendary stability, bloat-free software, is free from corporate stagnation, and is modifiable by anyone interested. The problem? It wasn’t quite accessible. Sure you could use it on a server given the proper training, but I personally tried Red Hat Linux on my home computer in 1999, and found it too awkward, even with help from a Linux expert. Imagine how a beginner would feel!

Through college in the early 2000s, I asked many a Linux user for advice. A few times the response was a smug glance or a snort, implying that I wasn’t smart enough to use it. That’s no way to promote your hobby!

I tried it again in 2003, but it was still pretty unrefined. Meanwhile, the public continued to suffer with Windows “bluescreens” and other headaches. The Antitrust lawsuits against Microsoft raged on, but no real alternatives existed yet.

It Came from Outer Space… sort of.

Enter Mark Shuttleworth. Mark is a South African “Internet Billionaire” and one of the first Space Tourists. Oh yeah, and he’s a software programmer too. One day in 2004, he got bored of blasting off into outer space, so he asked himself, “What now?” and set off to solve the world’s problems.

That year, Mark formed Canonical, Ltd. in England. Its purpose: To form a new version of Linux that was user-friendly. Many had tried; all had failed. I myself brushed it off as yet another noble attempt at “Linux for Everyone.” Just what we needed, another Linux version with a cool logo and lousy content.

Alas it survived. I first tried it in 2006 and was shocked. It wasn’t perfect, but it was very promising, and every 6 months after that, I received a new and improved iteration. It wasn’t quite ready for primetime, but by 2008, it was there. Ever since then, I’ve installed Ubuntu on nearly every computer I touch. I have awoken.

The ancient philosophy

So what’s with the name? Glad you asked. Ubuntu is an ancient pan-African word summed up as “Humanity Toward Others,” but it means much more than that. Its Wikipedia article cites the varied interpretations of African leaders (the most famous ones of course being Mandela and Archbishop Tutu), and it’s a worthwhile read.

• This traditional African saying embodies Ubuntu well: A single straw of a broom can be broken easily, but the straws together are not easily broken.
• The Batswana interpretation of it excites my inner Republican: It encourages people to applaud rather than resent those who succeed.
• Ubuntu does not mean that people should not enrich themselves. The question therefore is: Are you going to do so in order to enable the community around you to be able to improve? Mandela explains it as such, and it coincides heavily with my Kenyan-born uncle’s advice on the meaning of life.

Forget about computers for a moment and marinate on all that!

OS Concepts

Ubuntu is definitely not one of those products whose nature is antonymous with its own name. It embodies very well the concepts of collaboration, generosity, respect, and freedom.

• It respects the user – No constant error messages expecting you to solve some buffer underrun issue, nor are you bombarded with popups or “Free AOL” icons.
• It “Just Works” – This phrase is the highest praise a techie can give: The product does what you want it to and then leaves you alone without constant interruption.
• “As familiar as possible” – Mark emphasizes this point in this interview with Slashdot. As much as I love the Macintosh, it will take you a week to re-learn it. Ubuntu looks the same as Windows essentially, save for a few buttons and color schemes.
• Free (Gratis) – After I tell customers about Ubuntu, most of them ask wryly, “Alright, how much is it, $200, $500?” – Indeed, it would still be worthwhile, but the software costs $0 to download, and always will. Canonical makes their money from optional tech support services.
• Free (Libre) – Open Source means anyone can collaborate, even you. Notice a flaw? Instead of waiting and praying for a fix next decade, you can email someone and it will be addressed. Yes, Ubuntu is developing at breakneck speed.
• Edubuntu – Finally, there are many sub-versions of Ubuntu. One of which is Edubuntu, which is the same as its namesake, but comes with TONS of educational software. It runs well on older computers that may be in your school’s “donation” closet.

Installation

Now that I’ve glorified Ubuntu, I’ll mention the drawbacks. Most of the time setup is easier than Windows (You can browse the web and play games during installation!), but it doesn’t come without its headaches.

For example, some laptop wireless cards are not supported yet. Too bad for you. There is a software tool called a “wrapper” that attempts to “learn” your card, but I’ve never, ever gotten it to work correctly. The same goes for Lexmark printers. No dice. Buy a compatible one. Your best bet is to stick with computers from Dell or System76 – they are two of the few manufacturers that both endorse and grant technical manpower to Ubuntu’s efforts.

Leave all the worry to me. After I set it up initially, you’re good to go.

I will eventually write an article that teaches you how to install Ubuntu for yourself, and talk about the helpful forums and clubs where you go when things go awry. In the meantime, give me a call and I can set up Ubuntu for you. Maybe I can talk you into cooking me some dinner?

Sources (aka Recommended Reading):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ubuntu_%28operating_system%29

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ubuntu_%28philosophy%29

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Shuttleworth

http://interviews.slashdot.org/story/05/04/04/1859255/Mark-Shuttleworth-Answers-At-Length

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Linux_kernel

http://www.markshuttleworth.com/

“The Cathedral and the Bazaar” by Eric Raymond

I’ve never been able to cook. The few times I tried, the fire department showed up. But back in high school, for some reason, I would sit down every week night religiously, open a bag of Doritos, and watch Emeril Lagasse. I never attempted to cook anything he made; I just thought the show was fun to watch. Likewise, I hope you enjoy my blog even if you could care less about computers and just like the history lesson.

Let’s begin, shall we?

It’s funny how people are paralyzed by unfamiliar words.

So I boot up with Uuuuuubuuuuuu WHAT is it again?

You know that Youtube? thing? you put on my computer?

What’s that thing you put on my computer? Boonk-boonk?

It’s called UBUNTU. It can be pronounced “You boon two” or “Oo boon two” or even “Ah boon two.” But nobody’s going to know what you mean if you call it Boonk-boonk. (Yep, I’m pretty sure someone called it that.)

So what is it, exactly?

Ubuntu is a desktop Operating System (just like Microsoft’s Windows, Apple’s Mac OS, and -for those old enough to remember- OS/2). Except, instead of being a commercial product, it’s a piece of software written by tens of thousands of volunteers around the world. Moreover, it’s a living, breathing thing that is improved daily (as opposed to Windows XP, which debuted in 2001, and receives the occasional band-aid update that just makes it slower). I’ll discuss the history more later.

So, what laptop should you buy?

Hi folks! As I sit in bed watching this episode of The Muppet Show, I’m trying to decide what to write about. Please save me from this next week! Email me (marena at ispnet dot us works just fine) and ask me a question or something…

Just the Fax

So today we’re going to talk about laptop reliability. I often hear, “Marc, what laptop should I buy?” and those who know me already know my answer, but let’s be scientific about this. First, take a look at Gizmodo’s report about hardware reliability:

http://gizmodo.com/5406415/laptop-reliability-study-asus-and-toshiba-come-out-on-top

In summary, here they are, in order of reliability:

• Asus
• Toshiba
• Sony
• Apple
• Dell
• Lenovo (ThinkPad)
• Acer
• Gateway
• HP (Compaq)

Wait… who’s ASUS?

Any laptop you buy can come from one of only four manufacturers in the world. One of these is ASUS, hailing from Taiwan. So, chances are you’ve touched their products and didn’t even know it. They manufacture laptops on behalf of other companies as well as under their own banner. They are also a prominent manufacturer of motherboards for those who like to build their own desktop PCs.

I agree 100% with these findings*. They line up perfectly with my experience in terms of hardware reliability. Don’t discount China’s Lenovo (they purchased the ThinkPad line from IBM) just yet – while they retain the best in 80s industrial design, I’ve heard of people dropping them off of mountains, only to find that they still work when they reach the bottom.

My Opinion… alternate title: In Reality

*BUT… No matter what you buy, they’re all running software, so physical reliability is only half the picture. All of these units (with exception of the Apples) come with Microsoft Windows pre-loaded.

I don’t care how bulletproof your Asus hardware is, or how sexy your Sony’s magnesium lid is- if you’re running Windows, you’re going to see viruses, popups, and other annoyances. You’ll have to install tons of security software, watch where you click, and tolerate incessant error and update messages. (Mac and Ubuntu have unified updaters so you don’t need 900 programs all calling home every 10 seconds looking for useless updates – just 1 useless program calling home for updates.)

I CANNOT SAY THIS ENOUGH – Read these consumer reports all you like, and keep them in mind. However, at the end of the day, keep in mind that the Apple will be the best in overall usability. Not only are they arguably the best looking, but Apples come with their own Operating System – Mac OS X. It does what you want, and leaves you alone. No viruses, no fuss, no muss.

PC manufacturers know this, but unfortunately any attempt at differentiating themselves from the rest has resulted in gobs of useless bloatware trying to make you feel like you got some value out of that particular brand, as is the case with both Sony and Toshiba. I don’t care how long the hardware lasts – whenever I see a Toshiba or a Sony, it lasts about 10 minutes before i start screaming and cursing and toss it out the nearest window. Now that’s a short-lived machine. Everything from bonus software to drivers to restore discs is screwed up when you buy from either of these companies. (Sony is magnanimous enough to offer you a computer bloatware-free for a fee, according to this masterfully worded article.)

Dell, Asus, Acer, Gateway, and all those guys aren’t so bad. You will always have to go through the Add/Remove Programs list and deracinate the Norton or McAfee before you do anything else, then you’ll have to install Ubuntu afterward (article forthcoming), but otherwise you’ll be fine.

Finally, there’s HP. For some reason they’re the #1 manufacturer in terms of volume. I attribute this to good distribution, low prices, and software that slows your computer down over the course of a year. Most of the computers I deal with (software or hardware issues) are HPs – which says something right there. In my experience:

• HP puts so much spyware on their computers, they’re completely unusable. It takes minimum one hour to remove it and make it usable. Such probes into your consumer behavior include HP Customer Participation Program, Shop for HP Supplies, HP Update, and HP Shopping Advisor.
• HP hardware crumbles to pieces if you look at it the wrong way. They are truly unreliable, and regardless of the reason, it is so. Many of their laptops randomly decide not to work anymore – you hit the power button, they light up, but they don’t boot.

So, here it is, my super-scientific, super-serial, market-researchy Overall Experience Index:

Yes, that puts HP at exactly -426 in the index. That’s 406 points less enjoyable than making your own laptop out of wood. Ask any of my customers if they’ll buy another!

PRICING

Sure, Apple laptops are generally more expensive, but if you’re a novice, take into consideration the $200/yr. you’ll save on software repair bills. I should also mention that flashing a student ID card at your local Apple store will result in a ~10% discount and sometimes even a free iPod.

No matter who you choose, you can save a TON of money by buying refurbished. Apple, Dell, and Lenovo have FANTASTIC deals on refurb laptops – these are usually laptops which people bought and returned a few days later because they didn’t know how to use them. They come fully tested, the warranty is the same as new, and in Apple’s case, any external component that has so much as a scratch is replaced. I love Dell’s refurb site – you can get laptops at or near half-off all day long! (As always, avoid Windows Vista computers like the Plague.)

Warranty

NEVER buy an extended warranty from Best Buy – if it’s a software issue, they’ll laugh at you, tell you it was your fault and you’ll be left with a shiny doorstop (until you call me, of course). It’s happened to my customers. However, extended hardware warranties from the manufacturer are just fine if you plan on keeping the unit for a while.

Can’t leave without talking about Netbooks!

Three years ago almost nobody knew who Asus was – but today many of you know them as the inventor of the whole Netbook trend. Before Asus’ groundbreaking EEE PC mini-laptop, the only choice you had were a few ultrapricy and feature-compromised models from Japan.

I always loved the idea of a tiny laptop – ’tis great for travel. Before the netbook, I only had a few choices:

• An OQO ultra-mobile PC
• A Japanese-market Kohjinsha micro laptop
• A used Toshiba Libretto
• A used Sony Vaio mini laptop (the maximum RAM is usually very limited on these)
• Ah yes, maybe one of those Averatecs

Cheap netbooks are now possible thanks to:

• The enabling technology of low-voltage processors such as the Crusoe and Atom
• Taiwanese smartypantses who realize volume sales can bring success

The three main differences between a netbook and normal laptop/notebook are:

• Size – Netbooks are between 7 and 11 diagonal inches in size. I consider my awesome 12″ Dell a sub-notebook. The price tag is smaller too.
• Lack of CD/DVD drive – If you’re addicted to DVDs while you travel, consider a sub-notebook with integrated DVD drive.
• Less computing horsepower – Netbooks usually carry low-voltage processors to save weight/cost/battery life. Still, these are just fine for 99.9999999999% of people.

Since its introduction, the netbook has matured from a gimpy little 7″ curiosity to the perfect sweet-spot of portable bloggy goodness. Also note that the article warns against sub-$400 netbooks, as they tend to break more easily. My personal recommendation – Either the 10″ Asus or 10″ Dell models – they’re not so tiny that they’re unusable, yet they’re still amazing to travel with.

Finally,

• Even if your HP/Compaq netbook doesn’t fall apart, its mouse buttons are so awkwardly placed, you’ll want to flush it down the nearest toilet upon first use.
• The first netbooks came with customized versions of Linux that were quick and safe. Most newer ones come with a neutered version of Windows 7, but Ubuntu offers plenty of netbook remixes that are worth looking in to.

So folks, that’s just about it for me today. We’ll see you next time on Teknosophy.

Sources:

• Engadget
• Gizmodo
• Asus
• Dell
• Computer Weekly
• YouTube
• The Register

The Post-Microsoft future and what it means for you

Note: This article was written while on an airplane. Insert Cloud Computing pun here.

Post-racial, post-apocalyptic… now post-Microsoft? Yep, you got it folks. It hasn’t happened yet, but Microsoft is about to go the way of the Dodo, or more accurately, the way of the Kodak. How dare I say that? Relax, Seattle real estate agents. Rumor has it, Microsoft has half the GDP of Ireland in available spare cash (also known as twice the GDP of Cuba), so they’re not in any immediate danger. However, I see parallels here between them and my hometown’s Kodak and Xerox.

The Stages

1. Company had a good idea and the keen business sense to make the world adopt them as the standard and depend on them for decades. Such was the case for my hometown giants, and in business school I drew similar parallels about the major airlines. Eventually three more things happen:
2. Without any real competition, the product quality begins to suffer. People get smart and realize they shouldn’t have to suffer with constantly-breaking parts and the service industry that’s set up to re-bandage them.
3. Actual viable alternatives surface. Company believes they’re the strongest thing in the world and nobody can ever stop them.
4. Company is slowly crushed in the marketplace by higher-quality alternatives, then ties its own ankles together with bureaucracy until there’s nothing left. (I once heard that Kodak has a rule: If three or more employees are anywhere together, the Moon included, and one person says an off-color joke, the other two employees have to fire him. True or not, it’s these stories of blindness that are the harbingers of doom for a company.)

It appears as though MS is at Stage Three. Tons of new companies, products, and concepts are surfacing and all they’ve managed to do is clean up Windows Vista. For most of my life, every night on the TV news, Xerox and Kodak fired a few thousand people, all the while betting big amounts on pre-doomed projects. Such will be the case until there’s nothing left but the sign on the door. At that point, we might see the Microsoft name glued on to bargain-basement holo-projectors or hovercraft, much as today’s lousy drug-store grade electronics carry the names of the the mighty Westinghouse and Akai of yore.

Tater Salad

Why do I make all of these predictions in the first place? There’s no growth. They haven’t started a solid platform since they launched the Xbox in 2001. Why did that take off? Well, it was a fresh idea that wasn’t based on Windows (aside from a few tiny pieces of code). The two other “next big things” that Microsoft tried to launch in the past decade (Origami, Surface, and Slate, all decent ideas) failed, in my humble opinion, because they were based on the notoriously unreliable Windows. You can’t put a Yugo engine inside a sports car and expect it to have any real success. (We’ll see how their Sync automobile infotainment system sells…)

Yet another failed project was the Kin. Kin was a new cellphone concept that was supposed to be Microsoft’s entry into the low-end cellphone market, you know, those who couldn’t afford a fancy Windows 7 Phone-7… 7-Phone (or whatever it’s called this week). What happened here was, a bunch of marketing bobbleheads got together in a room and wrote a bunch of buzzwords (like “cloud,” “connected,” and “mobile Web”) on strips of paper. They then played “Pin the tail on the donkey” until their spouses called them home to dinner. $600 million dollars and a few TV commercials later, the public was utterly confused. (It was a cell phone that took pictures, sent them to a program on your PC, which you could then edit, but only send to friends who had Kin?) I think? It wasn’t based on Windows per se, but it required a PC for some odd features. TWO months later the whole thing was just a dream. Check one out on eBay if you’d like to own a piece of history. As Ron White would say, sometimes you just can’t cure stupid.

So what does this all mean for you? First off, no more scary computing experience. As we’ll discuss next, the new software companies (and even MS) are learning to create friendlier software – your user experience in the next decade will be more like using an appliance or a TV remote and less like cracking a safe. Whereas Windows and software from small-minded companies blew constant errors and expected the user to know what they meant, quality software is less cluttered, does what you want it to do, and leaves you alone. I deliver this ray of hope to terrified and frustrated Baby Boomers every waking moment of my life.

Literary Wisdom

Niccolo Machiavelli observed that a populace is more inclined to accept an outside conqueror if the current, albeit native, ruler is corrupt. Frank Herbert’s sublime Dune novels admonish those who deify an incoming ruler: Just because there’s a new sheriff in town doesn’t mean everything will be perfect. New suns rising reveal new imperfections.

So what happens next?

At this point, the incessant crashes, hijackings, and bloatware infestations can be things of the past. There are now alternatives to Microsoft’s Windows. (There are many alternatives to MS Office as well, rendering that product inessential.) These alternative platforms come in three major flavors, but not without their own flaws…

Apple Mac OSX

Even the computer illiterate have caught on to the fact that Apple’s Macintosh is relatively flawless. They’re looking to Apple for a computing experience that doesn’t annoy, aggravate, and scare them while they’re checking their monthly email message or buying a rice cooker online. Even the Mac counterparts to popular PC software are better behaved on the Mac, because they’re held to a higher standard.

While Apple’s market share is indeed surging, they will never, ever, ever gain any major market share if they limit their operating system software to their own hardware. Sure, Apple hardware is far superior in my opinion to that of HP and all the rest, but by keeping their software so exclusive, Apple is shooting itself in the foot.

Guess what, guys. The iPod didn’t just succeed because it’s pretty and magical. The day Apple bit the bullet and called up HP to distribute its iPod (to retailers such as Radio Shack) was the day it became known outside small Mac-head circles. Calling up HP and offering them a copy of Mac OSX (physically possible as of 2006) to include on their computers might just be the ticket – on two conditions:

1. HP wouldn’t gunk it up with the 50323423443959435943 gigs of spyware it puts on its Windows PCs today.
2. HP wouldn’t offer OSX on its lower-end hardware, which isn’t exactly known for reliability.
3. On second thought, they’re better off calling Dell.

Additionally, Apple has a great momentum going on as far as creating new paradigms, new markets beyond the desktop computer, which staves off corporate extinction for them. Their App Store, for example, is a great way to bring software developers and consumers together. However, they have recently taken some slack for its draconian nature, picking and choosing which applications they want to see on their devices, and not allowing any competing App stores on their devices. That’s all well and good, but someone else is bound to come along with a similar product line sans limites.

Apple has a few big decisions to make about its future. So Apple, it’s up to you…

Google ChromeOS

Does 2011 spell the death of the desktop Operating System? I don’t believe it is a “buggy whip,” as Google seems to think. In other words, it’s not a product whose purpose is about to end. Desktop OSs are complex chunks of software and still necessary for all practical purposes. If the desktop OS is to live on into the next decade, as I believe it will, it’s too late for Microsoft; Windows has left a bad taste in too many people’s mouths. New startup ventures don’t even consider them relevant anymore. Windows 7 is a decent product and will do fairly well in the marketplace, but it’s only because the sting of competition has finally been felt.

Google products just “get it.” Google is usually very platform independent (their Web tools work on any brand or operating system), the user interface is very consistent among its products (Gmail, the incredible edible Google Voice, etc.), and their searches just plain work. Log in to Gmail and search for any word, and any email you’ve ever written containing that word is displayed. The same thing goes for Google Desktop Search. Type it in and there it is, no fuss no muss. Try searching for anything in Windows XP and you’ll find yourself cursing that little cartoon dog that pops up, interrogating you as to what type of file you’re looking for.

2011 will see the first PCs shipping with Chrome OS, a lean operating system provided by Google, instead of MS Windows. No more spyware or viruses, but don’t cheer just yet. Google’s view of the future is one where we all have low-cost Google appliances – little computers, touchscreens, and teevees that connect us to Google, and enable us to perform Google searches for anything our little hearts desire. Nothing stored on our devices, everything belonging to Google. Death to the old Emperor, all hail the new Emperor.

My prediction: Netbooks and basic PCs for the proletariat will be outfitted with basic Web-oriented operating systems (such as Chrome OS or Xubuntu) – simple, fast, and lean, just enough to get online. Power users will still have more powerful hardware and software available to them.

The New Emperors

Next, Apple and Google claim that they’re the most “open” companies – using public standards as opposed to proprietary ones, and so on. But as the The Register puts it, neither one “deserves the blue ribbon.” Both are employing half-hearted attempts to look more honest than MS, all the while trying to gobble up the entire Web populace for themselves (in terms of media sales, advertising, Browser usage, etc.). Mark my words, this will backfire on them. The article talks about Firefox (a wholly open-source volunteer-based program) as proof that the world can get along just fine without the major software companies.

Finally, there’s nothing unique to Apple!! Steve Jobs doesn’t actually have a magical reality distortion field or anything else magical for that matter. It’s simply a mix of common sense, learning from others’ mistakes, and knowing what customers want, mixed with a lot of sexy industrial design and marketing, and topped with a bitter dash of arrogance. Given enough money (and Danish designers) even I could make products that were just as stable and appealing as Apple’s. It simply involves a lot of common sense, REAL-WORLD in-the-trenches experience with real customers, and an instinct. Why nobody has even tried to truly emulate them is beyond me.

The Future’s Future: Opennness

In summary, this decade you will wave goodbye to the cryptic, alien-seeming computing experience of the past. No more frustrating driver errors, blue screens of death, random errors, hoax popups from Latvian pirates warning us of nonexistent Trojan viruses, in the hopes of stealing our identities. Our computers will soon obey our commands without backtalk and without paranoid “security” software to slow us down.

Again, my warning is that Apple and Google will let all this newfound praise get to their heads. While attempting to be saviors, they’ve created problems of their own (see Why the Cloud Sucks to learn more). Inside their product platforms you’ll find little Mactopias, but good luck trying to use your iPod in a way Apple doesn’t see fit.

The answer to this is Ubuntu. Ubuntu is another desktop Operating System that runs on most any hardware (Apple, Toshiba, Dell, even gas pumps, no joke) and is just as solid and enjoyable as any Apple or Google product. The difference is, Ubuntu is dedicated to a 100% open and honest experience – for example, you won’t have to “marry” your MP3 player to just one PC if you don’t want to, and any music and applications downloaded from them are free from DRM. Everything they do respects the user – both in the everyday experience and in the greater sense. Stay tuned for a future article explaining Ubuntu in-depth.

Finally, no matter how easy software ought to be, users can always learn more. While my job on the surface is to get people’s computers functioning properly, it’s really about getting people comfortable with their technology and teaching them how to “defend themselves” from confusing and misleading products. As always, give me a call if you’d like your own personal defensive driving course.

What about Bob?

While developing this article, I proposed my life cycle hypothesis to my friend Ron, who is an expert on both Kodak’s and Microsoft’s affairs. He agreed with the comparison and even made the same divination years ago. He warns that if Microsoft becomes as political an organization as Kodak, stifling innovation at every turn, it will indeed face the same fate. However, the future is not set in stone. Here’s what MS has going for it:

1. Talent. I say it quite often, there are tons of brilliant and wonderful people at Microsoft. They have the ability to breathe longevity into that company, creating another Nintendo.
2. They’ve got a heck of a lot of money. They could buy RIM/BlackBerry or any other solid company at any given time. Just today I noticed a banner ad for Microsoft Joomla – yes, they purchased the formerly obscure content management software. Furthermore, they can expand their Slate program, making it more than just a PC with portability awkwardly bolted on.

So folks, we’ll see you next time on Teknosophy. In the meantime, Bill Gates has gone off on a quest to cure viruses of a different sort than what he’s used to, and has left Steve Ballmer in charge. Nothing to worry about there…

UPDATE:

Here’s a recent article from The Register that argues that companies should simply give away their war chests to investors after their useful life. Thought-provoking to say the least.

Sources:

• Niccolo Machiavelli
• Engadget
• The Register
• Maclife
• Gigaom
• YouTube
• Wikipedia
• Google
• Apple
• Ron Trackey, Sr.
• Findarticles
• MaximumPC
• eBay
• Frank Herbert

The Official Flakes-list Buying/Selling Guide

So you want to buy something on Craigslist. Maybe you’ve got a few treasures you’d like to sell as well. That’s all well and good, but don’t go to that website without a little background first. You’ll prevent a bit of heartache, trust me.

First off, what is Craigslist? Back around 2003, My buddy Dave showed me this classified ad website which apparently had really cheap Macs around the NY City area, where he lives. I didn’t really touch it until I was out of school and needed to make some spare cash. Craigslist was founded around 1999 as a mostly-free classified ad website, a place where people in each city can buy/trade/zell/give away their junk, find a job, or even have some romance. A detailed history can be found here.

How it works Craigslist has a classified ad site for most major cities/regions. For example, in Rochester, NY, the site is rochester.craigslist.org. What if you live in Boston? boston.craigslist.org is for you. The same thing goes for Tel Aviv, Moscow, and the sparsely used page for Ghana. Look alike, don’t they? CL tries to keep things consistent. Beyond that, the Web design is so nice and simple, free of giant annoying banner ads.

Pricing CL is mostly free, making it very effective for small businesses and people selling their junk to make money on the side. They’ve figured out that charging only for real estate listings in large cities is enough to subsidize the whole site. When CL’s CEO Jim Buckmaster was approached by some Wall Street investors, he simply stated, “Craigslist has little interest in maximizing profit, instead it prefers to help users find cars, apartments, jobs, and dates.” Welcome to the Gift Economy, folks.

Great things CL has helped me sell TONS of stuff that was just too heavy to sell/ship to eBay buyers. It has also helped me find TONS of deals, including a Saab convertible I bought dirt cheap! It is a great source for winter tires, alloy wheels, and other stuff that would otherwise rot in people’s backyards. The vast majority of my experiences on CL have been great ones, with friendly everyday Joes looking to buy or sell their junk that wouldn’t be worthwhile to list in the newspaper.

BUYING

It’s a good idea to buy at least one item on CL to see what it’s all about before you jump headfirst into selling. Head to your local Craigslist website (open up a new Web browser and type, for example, omaha.craigslist.org and press enter). If you can’t find it, just go to craigslist.org and select your city on the right.

You’re then presented with the famous main page. The only thing that differentiates it from other CL pages is the city name up top. Next, select a category you’re interested in. Auto Parts, Electronics, Business (forklifts and deep fryers), Photo/Camera, even Garage Sale announcements! (Don’t wander off to the Discussion Forums… shudder I can already smell the espresso, cloves, and smugness.)

Once you click a category, its current listings will display, sorted from newest to oldest. Depending on how many items have been posted in the past 90 days, you may even have a few pages of listings! Find an item you like and click on its title. Tada! Here is a traditional Craigslist post:

Read it over, wince at the misspellings (yay none here), squint at the crappy cellphone pics, and decide that you want it! If they don’t list a cell phone number, you see an their anonymized email address (similar to the old Newspaper Personals).

You can click on the email address to send them an offer, but note that clicking on the email requires an Email Client to be installed on your computer (such as Outlook/Thunderbird). Clicking on it without email client software set up results in an error that your client isn’t set up. If you see it, just cancel out of it. Your best bet is to RIGHT-CLICK the anonymized email address and click Copy Email Address. Then pull up your own email page/program and paste that email address into the “To:” field. Continue writing them an email as normal.

I’m going to say this over and over again, Craigslisters are very noncommittal. Don’t be surprised if a seller has already sold the item, doesn’t reply at all, or is completely unable to make an appointment. (As a buyer, I struggle to convince people that I’m not as flaky as the rest of them, and I’ve even offered to give someone an instant down-payment via PayPal!) If you do receive a response, most of the time it’s first-come-first-served, and bring cash. I’ve been sent back to an ATM many a time because, understandably, Craigslisters don’t like checks.

Finally, be sure to get directions/mapquest printouts, or put their address into your GPS device and make sure you have their phone number so you can call them if you get lost. Hopefully you’ll make it there, buy that bargian item, and make a new friend in the process. I even reconnected with an old friend through someone i did business with on CL!

Advanced Buying So let’s say there aren’t many good Porsches in your city. You’ve tried searching in nearby cities and still, they’re either salvage or Tiptronic models… in other words undriveable. Believe it or not, there’s a way to search the entire Craigslist for something you want. The first time I had a buyer call me from far away I was a little shocked, but he explained to me that he used SearchTheEntireCraigslist.com to find the rare speakers I had for sale, and after receiving/verifying his payment, I sent the speakers to him.

That’s all well and good, but then you have to put up with those giant annoying banner ads. Instead, just go on over to Google and type what you want, followed by a space, then “site:craigslist.org”. For example, 2002 Porsche Boxster site:craigslist.org or Zojirushi rice cooker site:craigslist.org and pof! your pick of the world’s best cars and rice cookers. Just note that searching the entire Craigslist via Google is an imprecise science and may show a few outdated results, but it’s pretty darn effective.

SELLING

So now that you’ve bought something on Craigslist, let’s talk about selling. Online classifieds such as CL (and eBay’s jealousy-child Kijiji) are a very disruptive technology – They’re free, easy, fast, and even the stupidest technophobes eventually find their way onto them. The only way I’d use the newspaper nowadays is if I had a car that wasn’t selling online!

Listing on Craigslist is fairly simple! Just go to your local CL site (or that of a neighboring city) and click Post to classifieds. Most listings won’t require the free account, but having one saves you from verification hassles each time you post. You may then select a type of listing (Job, personal, housing, for sale, even want ads!). For most doodads, you’ll click for sale then select a category, such as Computers, Auto Parts, or Cell Phones. You’re then presented with the following page:

Feels like the DMV but without the condescending stares, doesn’t it? Not to worry. Here’s what you do:

• Title Come up with a nice catchy title such as NICE RICE COOKER ZOMG WOW!!!111 – Note that your entire post is searchable, so you won’t have to put keywords inside the title to include yourself in more search results.
• Price This is your asking price – Keep in mind that people will always offer you a few bucks less than that.
• Location – Town or even a nearby landmark such as Charlotte Beach or 12 Corners.
• Reply-To – At this point you’ll have to put in your actual email address, and then a second time to confirm. Note that this address will be anonymized, and people will simply see something like 3490349345@craigslist.org. If you prefer not to receive email inquiries, just click Hide. Craigslist will remind you that you should provide some means of contact, i.e. your phone number.
• Description – Here’s your chance to describe your item! Make it short & sweet, use bullet points to keep their attention, and thank the readers for checking out your post.
• Photos! - A picture is worth a thousand words, and beyond that, most people want to see what they’re buying. It gets them excited. Click “add photo” then choose up to 4 photos from your hard drive – for example, if your digital camera dumps its photos in to your My Documents\My Pictures folder, grab the appropriate photos from there, and a green circle indicates each photo has indeed been uploaded. Make sure the photos are good and clear, and not 900 megapixels either!
• That’s it! – Click Continue to proceed.

CL will then tell you to check your email in a few seconds (as seen above). There you will find a confirmation message with a link to manage that listing. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DELETE THAT EMAIL! If you lose it, you will not be able to activate, modify or take the posting down before its 90 days is up. YOU HAVE to open the email and activate it before it will show up on the site. (If you list it while signed in to your Craigslist account, your account holds all your auctions and you won’t have to worry about the confirmation email.)

Don’t be discouraged if you receive a message stating that your item has been flagged for removal. You may have posted the item before (don’t re-post until the 90 days is up!) or someone may have taken offense to it. On the flipside, if it’s funny/clever enough, it may be nominated for the Best of Craigslist Hall of Fame! There you’ll find people searching for everything from “beard mentors” to time traveling companions! Hours of fun I tellya.

PROBLEMS

The utopian/idealist CL is not without its fair share of problems… (deep inhale):

• Traders On that foggy San Francisco morning when Craigslist was founded, someone sent out a memo, and that memo read “Paintball guns and Dodge Neons are legal currency.” I swear. If I had a penny for every time some stoner offered me his paintball gun or Dodge Neon for a laptop I had for sale… I’d be Bill Gates.
• Psychos The Internet is a magnet for them, and CL is no exception. Fortunately, there have been very few times where the person I encounter on the other end of the classified ad is some 900 lb terrorist who lives in a van down by the river… but watch out anyways. You can usually get a good glimpse of the person by talking to them on the phone for a few minutes. Yes, there have been people such as the “Craigslist Killer.” It’s a good idea to let people know where you’re going, and always have a friend with you when you meet a buyer/seller. CL offers some good tips here.
• African scammers This page is a good example of a car deal too good to be true. African scammers (mostly from Nigeria) wake up in the morning, get dressed, kiss their kids, and sit at coffee shops all day sending poorly-written emails to stupid North Americans, hoping that one in 100,000 emails results in a payoff. If you have more than one brain cell, it’s simply an annoyance. Look, it’s really simple: When I sell a large item, I post my phone number without area code and request that people call me. If a CL buyer/seller requests a Western Union transfer or any other sort of down payment sight-unseen, there’s your answer.
• Prostitution Up until recently it’s been quite easy for women to sell their lovin’ on CL. However, governments are urging CL to curb these e-streetwalkers. Surely there’s an INTELLIGENT (read: non-PayPal, non-Cuomo) way of implementing security!
• Obviously, keep all this in mind if you try out the Jobs or Personals section!

FLAKES

Worse than any Nigerian psycho-prosti-terror-molest-killer out there, is the common Flake. These people used to dominate Craigslist. They email a few times, and they may even call you, but most of the time THEY NEVER SHOW UP. My classic example of a Flakeslister was a guy who was coming over to buy my 36″ Mitsubishi CRT TV a few years ago. After a few phonecalls, he said he could come over to my house to pick it up. So, I left work early and went home, and I waited and waited and waited… watching Boston Legal on said television in the meantime. Five o’clock rolls around and no guy. I call his house and his wife answers. “Yeah, isn’t he there yet? He said he was heading over hours ago.” I leave a message and request that he call me back, which he does an hour later. “Oh yeah, sorry I found a better one on the way.” Huh? Apparently this guy (and many others like him) calls multiple sellers, tells them he’s on his way, then just picks up the item he likes the most and goes home.

Moral of the story: THERE IS A 50% CHANCE YOUR BUYER WILL NOT SHOW UP. Don’t come home from work or make any other exceptions for people. Why do people do this? I’m not entirely sure. I can’t even blame drugs; many of the flakes are just lazy/noncommittal everyday people. It’s just some sort of stigma on the website. (I even had A SELLER flake out on me once; she didn’t even show up to her own house!) What ever happened to just SAYING NO!? I would be much less offended if you said my TV sucked than sitting home all day. I always write “Item goes to first person who shows up with cash in hand.” Reserving an item for a flake hurts everyone.

Alternatives

Kijiji (Pronounced ka-GEE-gee) – For a while there (and maybe still), eBay owned a chunk of Craigslist, hoping to get its slimy paws all over that simple little website. Things didn’t work out so they stormed off and said “FINE! I’ll go play by myself! I like it better anyway!” and thus Kijiji was born. It was a near-identical yet less-popular version of Craigslist. I sold a TV on it once and my experience was the same. They eventually changed the name to eBay Classifieds and while still a free service, the site looks a little gussied-up. I’ll try it someday.

FreeCycle – Can’t sell an item? Stop worrying about it and give it away to someone who can use it. This is a very similar online community but its sole purpose is to bring unwanted junk into the hands who need it the most, for free. I haven’t tried it out yet but I have a feeling I can find a lot of old computers to give away. I even saw a free rear-projection TV on there this morning!

RITBay (Rochester Internet Trading Bay, to avoid infringing upon the school’s acutal name): While this site is now defunct, it’s nevertheless fun to reminisce. The idea here was a local online auction. Once people bid and purchased your item, you could easily bring it to them, or they could come to you. Great idea, but horribly implemented. Security measures were too low (even for this quasi-Libertarian), and more importantly, NOBODY UNDERSTOOD THE POINT. After bidding on an item, winning it, and agreeing to pay the final purchase price, people would THEN show up, “kick the tires” on your item, and OFFER YOU LESS, as if it were some Best Offer ad! – Oh and one more thing. Anytime you put anything up for bid, some psycho named FLIPPO would email you from AOL, several times a day, IN ALL CAPS, ASKING YOU STUPID BORDERLINE SCHIZO QUESTIONS LIKE: HI IM FLIPPO I WANT YOUR ITEM IT IS NICE ITEM I WILL BUY IT I HAVE MONEY I DON’T HAVE MONEY HI IM FLIPPO THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND REPLIES. He ruled.

So there you are folks, happy selling! Enjoy this hilarious Weird Al music video about Craigslist and we’ll see you next time on Teknosophy.

P.S. I ALMOST FORGOT! If you want a hot tub, forget spending $8 grand. Just go on Craigslist in the off-season and pick one up for a fraction of that. I got one this spring for $100!

Sources:

Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Craigslist

YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4sALru9IJk

Yahoo Answers: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20101011115750AARQbnB

My Experience with the Nokia N800 (or: How I Built My Own GPS)

Here we have the Nokia N800. This decidedly-ahead-of-its-time Internet Tablet was given to me by my best buddy among a pile of stuff he wanted me to eBay for him. It was released in 2005, and is basically the iPad’s misunderstood grandfather. It is a handheld web-browsing device that features built-in speakers, touchscreen keyboard, WiFi, Bluetooth, SD card readers (two!), widgets such as Internet Radio and weather forecasting, and *drum roll please* a built-in video camera for Skype! Unlike the iPod/Pad/Pud/Pid, it doesn’t DEPEND on a single piece of software running on a single computer either. An added bonus: It’s completely compatible with my wall and car charger for my Nokia cellphone. The best part? It runs PURE LINUX. No Microsoft to f*#% up on you, no Apple to demand you only use its products, no Google to spy on you. It has a full Linux console/terminal, runs a full version of OpenOffice, featured tons of games, and even had a Super NES emulator (something I would’ve killed for in high school). Highly capable, infinitely expandable, mountain-climber rugged, Scandinavian elegant and minimalist. It’s absolutely perfect to take on a vacation.

So what was the problem? In theory, nothing. It was everything I ever wanted in an… anything. It had tons of features, it respected the user, and it was a neat little gadget that wasn’t locked down by any juvenile tech executive. I… just didn’t have a use for it. I would’ve loved to keep it as a permanent attachment to my home stereo, but signing in to Sirius Internet Radio with it required much hacking and an awkward text-only interface. I always wanted a small device I could leave around the house for instant messaging, but alas its on-screen keyboard is not as conducive to typing as my cell phone’s physical keyboard.

I then tried to use it as a navigation device for my car. So, I purchased a Nokia GPS receiver and attached it via Bluetooth. The receiver is phenomenal: It can lock on to GPS satellites in under 3 seconds and can avail itself of my Nokia chargers as well as some old Nokia cellphone battery my brother gave me. Fair enough?

The N800 comes with the Wayfinder navigation software, which offered a 7-day trial and a fair purchase price if you liked it. The problem was, it was a DRM-dependent application, and Wayfinder was purchased by Vodafone and promptly entombed. They claim they’ve released it as open-source, but I couldn’t find any software or unlock codes. No customer support, nobody to take my money. I had three choices at this point:

• Crack the registration code somehow (that may not have worked, as the DRM servers may still have denied me).
• Crack the 7-day-free-trial feature (so as to create an “eternal free trial”) – this still would’ve required me to connect the unit to the Internet on a weekly basis to ask some closet-relegated server for another free trial.
• Not use it.

I chose not to use Wayfinder, and moved on to the Open-Source MaemoMapper. It worked fine with my GPS receiver, displayed beautiful detailed maps, and offered free updates. Here again, I encountered an issue with Internet dependency. MaemoMapper still doesn’t have navigation logic built-in, so it has to download the turn-by-turn directions for each trip from the Internets before you leave the house. Fail.

As you can see, this quickly went from a curiosity to an obsession (though I probably need GPS only once or twice per year). How could I get GPS in my car? Surely there’s a way without having to go to the store to purchase a dedicated device!

I then gave up on the N800 altogether. Next I attempted to use OviMaps, the halfway-decent mapping software on my halfway-decent Nokia E63 cellphone. It also connected to the GPS receiver perfectly fine, but couldn’t even display a map without being connected to the Internet. What about a data plan? I refuse to pay $20 per month for data. That decision was made by my inner Luddite and I had no say in the matter.

What about the TomTom GPS cradle for iPod Touch? Not worth it at $79+$39 for the software, but we’re getting warmer. Oh wait! What’s this? An iPod touch… a GPS receiver… aha! Could it be? Nope. The Nokia LD-3W is not an Apple-authorized device – that’s right, you heard me. Apple doesn’t WANT me to use this device, though it is physically compatible.

3 hours of tedious jailbreak research and 8 Euros later, I got them talking together. No cradle purchase necessary. (The lack of a TomTom cradle frees me up to use the SkyDock so that I can also use my iPod Touch as a satellite radio in any non-SAT equipped cars I may buy.) Yes, I had to take a step back and reluctantly drop my Nokia in favor of a very narcissistic device, the iPod Touch. However, the N800 simply couldn’t cut it.

So here we are with the iPod Touch receiving raw GPS data thanks to the French software RoqyGPS. Looks pretty hot, doesn’t it? Well… as much as the early Conquistadores would appreciate knowing their coordinates, that’s not quite everything I need.

I now have to go to the iTunes Store and purchase either TomTom, Navigon, or some other navigation software that’s compatible with the iPod/iPhone Location Services – in other words one that doesn’t require a specific GPS receiver. My Nokia GPS receiver feeds the information to iPod Location Services and it tells the mapping software “What do you care where the information’s from? We’re at X and Y coordinates.” I’m still deciding on what brand of navigation software to use, but for around $50, I’ll have US/Canadian maps and navigation technology at my fingertips, no Internet connection required.

And thus I eluded the giant GPS device hanging from a suction cup on my windshield, and all of the battery recharges and break-ins that come with it. Even if someone stole my iPod Touch, I “simply” buy a new one and reinstall the navigation software from the iTunes Store. Besides, that Nokia receiver looks like some sort of spy device, all nondescript and blinky-like, so ain’t nobody gonna steal my car!

As much as I want to keep using the Nokia N800, I’m having a hard time finding a use for it. This is a very important lesson to me as I continue development on the Phoenix portable cable box – all self-righteousness and lack of functionality/expandability/sparkle spells bad news. Now, I don’t really have to sell the N800, but I want to so I can dump more money into my new project car!

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned next time for the Flakeslist Selling Guide!